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Expropriation/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show!" and now here's a man who's a riddle wrapped in an enigma wearing suspenders. Your host, your hero, my uncle, red gr-e-e-e-n! (cheers and applause) all right. Okay. I think you should all switch back to water. Okay! Big, big week up at the lodge this week. I'm thinking about making a little real estate investment, getting myself a little piece of property. I'm thinking about buying that chunk of land that fuzzy norton has for sale down by the mercury creek bridge. Uncle red, that's not land. Oh, no, land is dry, and land is often times square. That's triangular and -- well, it's triangular and it's wet. It's like a big diaper. Smells like one too. You got to -- now, harold, don't get excited here. It's a free market. Fuzzy wants to sell, and I want to buy. Why? You can't build on it. You can't even park on it. Anything over 200 pounds sinks right to the bottom. There goes 90% of the lodge members right there. And so... Well, you know, I guess then, harold, either I have a plan, or I'm an idiot. Well, good. Okay. Because usually you have a plan, and you're an idiot. But this way -- easy. Easy. Easy. Easy. You know what the word "expropriation" means, harold? Did you ever hear that one? Yes, I heard of it, and I do know what it means. What does it mean? Oh, you want to know? Oh, okay. It means -- well, it's, like, if the government is going to buy your property to, like, put up a park or something like that -- a park or something like that. How about for a highway, harold? Oh, yeah. Right. Like, the government is going to build a highway that's, like, triangular and floods and sinks. Well, something like that, harold. But, hey, you and I are the only ones in the area that know about it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, I'm willing to forget it if you are. ôôô here's a few selected clips from this week's show, and these are the highlights, folks. Oh, boy, a little bit of everything. Something for the whole family here. I'm not sure I want to meet that family. It's a good show. This is priceless! Held this evening for ce mr. Dave knight. For anybody who can remember who he is, would you please attend and express our deepest condolences? Okay. Lost and found... Okay. Harold, I'm getting real close on this real estate deal. I've got fuzzy down to $400. Wow! How much was he asking? $400. But, you know, I tell you, the place has been for sale so long, he was thinking of raising the price. Fuzzy's not too swift, you know? Well, he was swift enough to sell you a sinkhole for $400. Oh, not just me. I've got partners, harold. I really couldn't come up with the $400 all on my own, so there's 85 of us, and we kicked in $5 a piece. There's 85, and you put $5 in to make $400? Boy, you're not very good at math, uncle red. Oh, no, no, harold. They're not very good at math. I'm up $25. (applause) ô oh, having respect for nature ô ô is a sport that's always in season ô ô like when something is called a stink bug ô ô there's probably a pretty good reason ô ô when you step on a stink bug ô ô it's not like a slug or snail ô ô that's why my eyes are watering ô ô and that's why my shoes are for sale ôô it's time to play the possum lodge word game! Okay, this week's grand prize is a real special one. Picture this: Two weeks aboard a luxury cruise liner, stopping in various ports throughout the western caribbean, sunshine captured forever. And where is all of those wonderful memories going to go? Inside today's grand prize, a photo album supplied by phyllis's photos and flowers emporium. Okay, uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Arnie dogan to say this word. Plug your ears! Excellent. The word is talent. Talent. And go! All right, arnie... Special ability. Contortionist. No, arnie, being a contortionist is not a special ability. I guess you've never made out on a roof in that area, red. (chuckling) okay, we're running out of time. Okay, arnie -- oh, I know. What do you need to make it in show business? Breast implants? No, no, when people find out you're a singer, they say you must have... Thick skin. You know the grammy awards, okay? They give awards to people with the most... Jewelry. The clock is ticking; clock's ticking. Okay, arnie, you're a pretty good roofer. When people see your work, they say you have real... Oh, no, not me, red. The emergency room fracture unit, they're the ones with the talent. There you go! (frantic bell ringing) this week on handyman corner, I was gonna show you how to make a catapult out of one of them hideaway beds to help get your teenagers up in the morning. But on the way over here, I was passed by a red convertible sports car, and the woman driving it had the top down... On the car. And I said, man, would I love to have one of those -- the convertible, that is. Oh, yeah, love the feel of wind in my hat. But I hate to give up the roominess and safety of a van to ride around in something the size of one of them kiddie rides at the supermarket. So instead, this week on handyman corner, I'm going to turn the possum van into a convertible. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do it, but I'll figure out a way. Yeah, I could -- nope. I was going to make a convertible out of the possum van, just cut the roof off or something. Then I thought, "wait a sec, "what if something goes horribly wrong, and I ruin my favourite vehicle?" and then I got an idea, a brainstorm. It just hit me. Hey, porky lansford has a van, and he loves convertibles, especially if he can get one for free. And you know what else? It'll be a surprise. What I've done here is I've got this model. This is one of harold's, actually, and I'll show you what I've got in mind. (mumbling) and that should work great. Now to do the cuttin', I would suggest that you need something heavier than a hacksaw, unless you recently retired and are looking for some way to fill up your days. But I would say go with a torch on that, and if you don't have a torch, well... I'd say get one! Just get it good and hot, and start cutting. All right. I made all the cuts. Oh! Probably should have used the hacksaw on this, but it was just a test. It'll work a lot better on the van. Almost. Almost through. All right. Now, if you don't want the smoke, clean the van out first. All right. We got ourselves a convertible now. Just to turn it back into a hardtop, we've got to cut this up a little bit more and put some hinges on the side here. You can put some regular hinges on there, but I would recommend the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. All right. We got our sections all in place now. Now we need some kind of a mechanism to raise and lower the roof. And for that you need three things... A 2 x 4, a car jack and grade 10 physics. What you do is you take the 2 x 4 and you lay it on the car jack, see? And then what you do is you get the thing near the centre of the fulcrum -- or the position of the force, and then when you jack up the car, then you'll raise the roof. Let's give her a try. All right. It looks like it's gonna rain in another couple of weeks, so why don't we just jack it up and raise the roof? Oh, look at that baby go! Yep. (breathing heavily) so, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, well, get a convertible. I wonder when the storm's gonna hit? I guess it blew over. I want to talk to you older guys who have more miles on your odometer than you have left on your warranty. Maybe some of you are thinking that one day soon, well, you're going to go to sleep and not snore... Ever again. Now, I'm talking about shuffling off this mortal coil and taking the big dirt nap. And some of you are probably thinking, "you know, maybe I should start going to church again." you know, kind of build up your credit and pay your entrance fee into the pearly gates, that kind of thing. You used to go to church all the time. It's not your fault that the best golfing and fishing time is Sunday morning. And now you're worried that god, being all powerful and all knowing, maybe he's not going to let you back into the flock since you strayed for five decades or so. But that's the great thing about god. He'll forgive you. It's never too late. It is never too late. So no rush to go back to church. I say, wait until you're too old to golf or fish. It is never too late! Personally, I'm planning on a deathbed thing. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Now, I got the deed all signed over, so that land is officially ours. Well, uncle red, I heard there is no highway coming through. I heard that you dreamed this whole thing up. This big scheme of yours is supposed to be what happens to a person after they have 50 years of unattended head injuries. No, harold, don't worry about that rumour. Doesn't bother me a bit. You know why? Why? I started it, harold! I'm just trying to cool off my real estate partners. Well, it worked. I heard they were going to sue you. The only reason they backed off, though, is because they thought, you know, the legal fees could cut into their $5 claim. None of that matters, harold, okay? I offered to give the guys their money back, and they accepted, okay? So from now on, the property, and the profit when I sell it, will be all mine. Well, how come if you can afford to pay them all back, why didn't you just buy the land on your own the first time? Because I've got to pay for the land today. The refunds to the guys can be deferred. That's high finance, harold. That's beyond you. Oh, yeah, I think I got it. You want to sit around and do nothing and make money, but you didn't want anybody else hoarding in on it. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Yep. Hey, where did you get so smart about money? I watch that show "traders." (cheers and applause) I'm totally ashamed of your greed -- I'm just saying. Well, fine, harold. Give me $200, and I'll cut you in for half the profit. No, thank you! There's going to be no highway; therefore, there will be no profit. Well, then how can that possibly make me greedy? You're amazing, uncle red. You're taking selfishness to the point where it actually helps people. I want to talk to you teenagers about setting a good example. That's what you're doing. Oh, yeah. You're setting an example for a very impressionable and vulnerable group who want to dress like you and act like you; namely, adults. Now, see, adults can't admit they're over the hill. They want to be young again. Because they realize how badly they blew it the first time around, they want a second chance. They figure as long as they dress like teenagers and act like teenagers, nobody'll notice that they're old and wrinkled and out of it. You guys started wearing the spandex; so did adults. Yesterday, I saw a 250-pound jogger look like a 3-d neon map of the former yugoslavia, and bosnia was infringing on serbia. You teenagers started wearing the platform shoes and the polyester clothes, now the adults are getting out their old flower power t-shirts and bell bottom jeans. And at this point, the bottoms are a lot bigger than the bells. So before you do or wear anything, take a minute, and think about how your parents are going to look doing and wearing the same thing. And if nudity ever becomes a teenage trend, we're in for one ugly summer. Well, this week on adventures with bill, harold and bill -- look out. Look out. Look out, harold! I guess bill was trying to paint him! They're out in one of those paint ball units we got out near the lodge. And I don't know whether this crosses over from a sport into an argument or eventual war. Anyway, they're getting their coveralls on there. (gunshots) oh. Oh! Bill, you've got the gun -- oh, man! There's something for you youngsters... Don't ever fire a gun inside your coveralls. All right, they're going over to the practice range there. They had the dummies of the men -- you know, the cutouts. They're shooting away. Look at them go! Look at them go! Oh, my gosh. I hope there's never another war because we won't win. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just relax. Go see how you did. Go check the targets. Away you go. How do you think this went? Harold, you've got them surrounded. How did you do, bill? Well, it's a murder/suicide. So then they go out there and they have these war games. Oh, look at that. Bill has got the telescope looking for harold. And -- where is he? Oh, it's bond. Plyobond. Oh, how'd that go, would you say, out of ten? So bill is wandering around. Strange thing happens now. He has a little discussion with a tree. Oh! And bill had a complete personality change there. And, unfortunately and surprisingly, it was worse. He got very violent and started really arming himself for a huge armageddon -- a paint armageddon. He got the paint spray cans there on the -- you know what I'm saying. Oh, my gosh, it's not rambo, it's hambo. And there he goes chasing harold. Oh, my gosh, harold, run. Run. Run like the wind. Look at the nipples on that thing. There goes a little hand grenade. Watch out, harold! Watch out! Oh, my gosh. You all right? Oh, boy, they're coming thick and fast. Oh, my gosh! Oh, it's the bombing of britain. Oh, boy. Oh he's got the paintbrush darts. Look out. Look out. Oh, my gosh, one inch or two inch? Harold. Harold. No, no, harold, come back! Come back! He's not a bad little dancer. Oh, oh! And then bill banged his head, and, unfortunately, he's back to normal. Yeah, peace loving bill and coming back apologizing to harold. Everything okay, harold? Yeah. No harm done, eh? No harm; no foul. Don't know what came over me. Harold is very, very forgiving. Just rolled right off him, right, harold? Hey! Well, it does now. Well, uncle red, it seems I owe you an apology. Yeah, you always do, harold. Well, you were absolutely right. They're building a brand new highway. Yep, it's gonna go from mortonville to dinkleburg, right up to mount walter and straight into port asbestos; therefore, yes, it will be crossing your brand new property. Why are you talking so weird? You been eatin' a lot of plums, have you, harold? No, no, no, I'm just saying that you were right. I was wrong. You right; me wrong. What's the hunk of wire you got there? Wire? Oh, it's cable. This is a stretch of the new highway. Pardon me? Our new information highway. Fibre optic cable. Yeah, seems they're going to string it from telephone pole to telephone pole all the way into port asbestos. So you're saying the new highway is an information highway, harold? Oh, yes, for your information, mr. Www.Greedy.Com. Welcome to the repair shop part of the show we call "if it ain't broke, you're not trying." hap shaugnessy has brought something from his house for me to fix, right, hap? This picture frame needs repairing, but it's not from the house. It's from the louvre. Oh, yeah? You got this hung in your bathroom, do you? Not the loo, red, the louvre, in paris. Oh, the louvre. Oh, yes, it's like an art gallery or museum or something like that. Yeah, you might say that. Yeah! Well, I donated this impressionist painting when I was living on the west bank there. And this week they shipped it back because the frame is falling apart. What is this now? Is this a van gogh or a monet? A hap? It's a hap? One of my better ones. Yeah. You painted this, did you, hap? It's from the green period. Boy, you know, it sure seems like one of those printed posters. Careful, red. It took hundreds of hours to get the paint to lie flat like that. Now about the frame -- what about the frame? Yeah, yeah, I'll fix the frame. No, no, you can't use duct tape. Oh, sure. This is priceless! No, hap, you're priceless! I'll put the tape on the back. How is that? There you go, she's fixed. In the art world, we say restored. Right. Right. And you know what? It's as good as new or, as you say in the art world, fake! You know something? This whole highway expropriation project has taught me a very valuable lesson. When trying to cheat your friends, make sure you do all of your homework? No, harold. The lesson is life rewards the risk takers. Yeah, right. You're out $400, and you own a piece of swamp. You know, harold, none of that is true. Did I miss something? Well, you're missing so many things, actually, harold. You know, for starters, the guy I bought the property from, fuzzy norton, he passed away in his sleep during the sermon in church. That's terrible. It's unfortunate, especially for him. But in his will, he left the $400 to the lodge, and the lodge decided to use that money to buy my property. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. When was this decided? At an emergency meeting with an open bar. I managed to convince everybody the value of owning a bog when so many of us have the old appliances and the cars and so on. I figure that real wet spot will suck down a four-burner stove in less than a minute. It's a real win/win situation. I think so. Unless, of course, you're the planet earth. (possum call) it's meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. You want to come down? Maybe you can sell more mistakes to your friends. Well, no, but your parents might want to give it a try. If my wife is watching, didn't have quite the profit margin we had hoped for on the real estate deal, so we'll have to put off the investment into those black velvet paintings of elvis. But hopefully the price won't go up. For the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (cheers and applause) performed by caption resource center harold: Sit down. Sit down. Here he is. Take a seat. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati red: Sit down. Harold: I've got some announcements. First of all, with the information highway coming into possum lake area, a lot of the lodge members have been asking questions and concerns. And first of all, no, you cannot catch a computer virus. Second, the worldwide web is not a tool of satan or any attempt to impose world government on you. Third, the internet won't make you sterile. It's okay. And finally, yes -- yes, I do know there is offensive material on the internet, and for $10 I will show you how to find it. Okay?